Cacti Butty

01 Jun 2007

I went for a curry in Bath last night. As usual, I opted for something mild and inoffensive because I'm weak, and also because I like to enjoy my food instead of raping my tastebuds. Seeing that I'd taken the easy route, a journalist, who shall remain nameless, gave me some of his super-hot curry to try. It was only a couple of pieces of chicken, so I had a go, not wanting to appear of the wuss variety. I even managed to chew and swallow without letting on to those present that an incendary device had just gone off in my mouth. I felt quite pleased with myself.

I breathed a welcome sigh of relief when the brief flash of pain subsided, and merrily carried on stuffing my face mopping my plate with Peshwari naan and soaking it down with Kingfisher. Sadly, oh so sadly, a stray piece of his 'food' (not sure what it was, perhaps some kind of seed), managed to escape my attention, and I hoovered it up. Oh my. It felt like the skin inside my mouth was peeled away and then sprayed with lemon juice. I had to leave the rest of my meal and the restaurant before anyone noticed the coughing fit that followed. I feel old. I felt even older, when, at 4am, after no less than 3 hours sleep, I discovered that Bath has a really bad problem with seagulls. Some absolute knobber had left both windows open in my hotel room. The noise of these things was *unreal*. It was like some kind of nightmarish squealing then a bit of squawking thrown in for good measure. Not so great in my tired, still half-pissed stupor. A catapult or a bow and arrow would have come in handy. Nothing modern, you understand, these creatures deserve only medieval weapons.

I went to get a much-needed coffee a few hours later, and one of the buggers had the nerve to try and shit on me with what seemed like half a pint of bird spray. What did I ever do to deserve such harsh treatment? It's not even by the sea, ffs.A bland bacon butty went by without a hitch, but when I returned to my room before checking out, out of nowhere the mother of all bum volcanoes erupted. I was on the toilet for a full ten minutes, in sheer agony. I tried in vain to convince my poor behind that it was a bacon butty I'd had for breakfast, and not cacti butty. I couldn't walk properly afterwards. Next time I suggest a curry, please adminster a swift blow to my face with a blunt object to bring me back to my senses.